Kenneth Burchfiel

“Okay. Please. Let me explain what happened.

“So I was walking down a sidewalk in an unfamiliar neighborhood. Dark as tar outside. All of a sudden, a monitor walks out the front door of a house. Literally. It stops on the front porch and lays down.

“I’m not pulling your leg. And the next thing I knew, this flat-screen plasma follows it out on little television feet. Sony model, I think. Fifty two inches.

“Well, this is a little disturbing, so I walk in to investigate. Italian cookware, alarm clocks, a really nice ring I wanted for my wife—it’s all running down the steps and out onto the front porch.

“And before you know it, a police car pulls up. All the little appliances and cookware and jewelry freeze in place, and I’m trapped upstairs. Talk about a strange day.

“Okay. Okay. I’ll give you the truth.

“Well, I was walking down to my friend Lu’s house. We were getting ready to go skiing.”

“This is Kansas.”

“Well, I know that. We were driving down to Oklahoma to ski. I don’t like the cold, so I put on, you know, a ski mask, coat, pants, boot, gun—cold-weather stuff, right?

“And as I’m turning the corner for his house, I hear this terrible scream from a split level. I run inside to find an elderly woman trapped under a whole pile of things: monitors, a Sony flat-screen plasma, Italian cookware, even a diamond ring. The poor lady couldn’t even breathe! Naturally, I helped get all that stuff off her aching chest. Moved it out to the front porch so it wouldn’t trouble her anymore. And just as I was freeing her ailing body from the plasma television, the police showed up.”

“My patience is running thin.”

“The whole truth this time, I promise you. You’ve been patient.

“Two nights ago, I broke into an elderly women’s house using a gun. Someone tipped me off that she was a wealthy lady, and I was a poor guy looking for a break.

“The door broke open with a kick. It was 2:00 in the morning; not a single witness around.

“Figuring the woman was asleep, I went directly to the entertainment room with the gun in my hand. The door was already open, so I walked inside.

“And would you believe it! Just as I was putting my gloves on, A computer monitor stood up, jumped off the table and walked right out the door.”

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